Yes, Living With a ‘Nesting Partner’ Is *Way* Different From Having a Roommate

The key to making it work? Communication, communication, communication.

Designer jeans, a Dutch oven, and a Dyson vacuum may make the list of things worth dropping a pretty penny on—but IMHO, your first-ever strap-on sex tools should not. And that’s where the Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit can come especially in handy.

As a refresher: Strap-on sex is the broad name for any kind of solo, partnered, or multi-partnered play that involves a harness and dildo. Though, most commonly, people talking about strap-on play are referring to pegging (a vulva-owner donning a dildo to anally penetrate their partner) or dildo-in-vagina intercourse between two vulva-owners.

“One of the main glories of strap-on sex is that it allows penetration to take place hands-free,” says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed, an education-focused sex shop in Chicago. While vaginal and anal fingering and toy-based penetration require the use of your hands, strap-on sex puts the penetrative device on the user’s hips, allowing them to use their pelvis and core to penetrate their partner, she says. “This frees up their hands for other kinds of touch.”

Strap-on sex also allows individuals to experiment with using a different size penetrative device than what is anatomically accessible via their fingers or penis (if they have one), she says. Strap-on play can also be a way for individuals to explore their sexuality, play with the expansiveness of their identity, and find gender euphoria, says licensed sex therapist Nicoletta Heidegger, LMFT, host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast. “There are also harnesses that allow you to use strap-on sex to explore double penetration, as well as thigh harnesses that make penetration accessible when it may not otherwise be,” she says. (For instance, this could be an option if the person wearing the strap-on has mobility limitations or uses a wheelchair.)

The thing is, strap-on sex has a much more significant barrier to entry than most other sex acts and positions. Namely, you have to make sure you have the right equipment. As a queer sex educator who enjoys strap-on sex in my personal life, as well as teaches sex education courses for adults on the topic, I have a tried-and-true tip for making the preamble shopping as stress-free as possible: Buy a strap-on sex kit.

“They’re affordable and include all the things you need to have strap-on sex,” explains Deysach. While exactly what comes in each kit will vary, all include a harness, a dildo that is compatible with that harness, and an O-ring that helps hold the dildo in place, she says.

Ahead, you’ll find a look at why strap-on sex kits are the best way to enter into the wonderful world of strap-on sex. Plus, I share why the Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit ($89) is my favorite strap-on sex kit on the market.

Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit — $94.00

The Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit is a strap-on sex that comes with two different dildos, an adjustable velvet-accented harness, battery-operated bullet vibrator, and O-ring that can be changed in and out with a few snaps. Available in both lavender purple and black, this affordable strap-on and pegging package is ideal for first-time strappers and strappees.

Sizes and dimensions:

Harness fits up to 60″ hips.
Small dildo is 4.25 inches long and 0.8 inches in diameter
Medium dildo is 5.5 inches long and 1.0 inches in diameter
Bullet vibrator is 2.5 inches long

Pros:

Included bullet vibrator has 3 different settings and intensities
Harness fits hips up to 60-inches around
Harness is machine-washable
Dildos made from body-safe, 100-percent premium silicone
Two different-sized dildos (small and medium)
Both dildos are anal-safe
Available in a lavender and all-black color wave
Harness can used with other dildos
Incredibly affordable

Cons:

Dildos are not curved (which is ideal for prostate play)
Dildos are not-textured nor anatomically-representative, which some may not like
Silicone is on the soft side
The bullet vibrator uses a 1.5 V N type battery

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The case for strap-on sex kits

As a person who waxes poetic about strap-on sex professionally and personally, I find trash-talking about strap-on sex to be about as painful as cervical stimulation during my period. (Meaning, very). Still, I admit that just how many sex toys you need to invest in to transform strap-on sex from fantasy into reality is an issue.

At the bare minimum, you need a harness and a dildo that is compatible with that harness. (Some dildos sold separately are too skinny or too girthy for certain harnesses). Depending on your particular pleasure preferences and current sex toy line-up, you may also need to invest in lubricant, potentially a bullet vibrator to insert into the vibe-pocket many strap-on harnesses contain, and a harness cushion or dildo pad which provides additional stimulation to the person who is wearing the strap.

Financially, all those sex toys will cost you. Most body-safe dildos ring up somewhere between $75 to $200 and a harness can cost a similar amount. Plus, most strap-on sex accessories can put you out an additional $20 to $40 each. All in all, that means you have to dish out $300 or so just to give strap-on sex a try, which just isn’t feasible for most pleasure-seekers.

Thankfully, strap-on sex kits offer a wallet-friendly workaround. Ringing up at under $100 total, “many strap-on kits also come with two or three different dildos of increasing size, which gives people the opportunity to try out a few sizes without having to purchase them all separately,” says Deysach. Having different size dildos can be especially helpful if you are interested in exploring both anal and vaginal intercourse, as typically anal penetration requires a smaller penetrative device than the vaginal canal. The different sizes also come in handy if you and your partner will be taking turns with who is doing the driving and who is doing the receiving and you each prefer a different-sized toy, she says.

It’s also common for kits to include a bullet vibrator, says Deysach. These small vibes can usually be inserted into the dildo itself, thus transforming it into a vibrating dildo. Or, into a special pocket in the harness, where it can provide hands-free vibration to the person wearing the dildo. Fun!

Why I love the Tantus Bend Over Beginner strap-on kit

“This is one of the first ever strap-on sex kits to hit the market,” says Deysach. It’s been nearly a decade since its original release, but it remains one of her (and my!) favorites. Why? In short, because it is both high-quality and high-value.

The kit itself comes with an adjustable harness, two different dildos, a bullet vibrator, and an interchangeable O-ring. Given that this whole line-up costs just $89, you’d be forgiven for assuming these are the one-ply toilet paper version of these pleasure products—but you’d be wrong. The line-up in this kit is the top-notch iteration.

That’s right, the kit comes with not one, but two, different dildos. “Both [of which] are made from high-quality, body-safe, 100-percent silicone and will last a lifetime if cared for,” says Deysach. “In addition to being sleek and smooth, they are also both a reasonable size,” she says. The smaller dildo is just 0.8 inches around and 4.25 inches long, which is about the size of an average finger. Meanwhile, the larger dildo is 1 in. around and 5.5 inches long, which is similar in dimension to two digits.

In my experience, the smaller size is perfect for folks newer to penetration—in particular, anal penetration. The larger size can be great after a proper warm-up (read: foreplay) or for those who already have experience receiving penetration. The best part is that while the dildos feel securely attached to the harness when the toy is in use, they can easily be swapped out in the middle of play when someone is ready to graduate to a larger size, or realizes they were over-eager with selection—I can interchange them in as little as 10 seconds.

The dildos aren’t the only award-winners in this kit—the harness is pretty sweet, too. A jock-style, it’s strappy and designed to fit around both butt cheeks and your hips. Because this harness is so darn adjustable, I can wear it—but so can my partner(s) who have different body shapes than me.

The convertibility of the Tantus Bend Over Beginner Kit harness makes it optimal for individuals like me who have multiple partners, as well as couples where both enjoy giving and receiving. Comparatively, underwear-style harnesses, which look like briefs rather than jockstraps, are not adjustable in the same way and therefore cannot be shared by people with different body shapes.

Oh, and the harness is machine-washable.

I also love that the package includes a mini bullet vibrator. The harness has a pocket for the vibrator, which allows it to stimulate the area between the wearer’s pubis and clitoris. Silicone transmits vibration, Deysach notes, which means the receiver will also feel a little buzz. Indeed, when I’m on the receiving end, it often feels like I’m being filled by a vibrating dildo, rather than a dildo that’s simply next to a vibrator.

The bottom line

The price point, ease, and dildo diversity of the Tantus Bend Over Beginner strap-on sex kit make it the perfect purchase for new strappers. But to be clear: Just as I do, you can continue to enjoy it even as you become more experienced with strap-on play.

I can’t overstate how valuable the customizability of this kit is—not only can it be adjusted to fit more than one user, but the O-ring can be easily replaced with one that is bigger or smaller, which means that the harness can accommodate a wide range of dildos beyond just the small(ish) two it comes with, explains Deysach. So, if you graduate to a larger dildo or decide you want to experiment with textured, fantasy, or vibrating dildo options you can do so without having to buy a whole new harness.

Once you’ve determined that strap-on play is something you want in your regular sex rotation, you may decide that you do want to invest in a more luxury harness. But because you’ll have had experience wearing the Tantus harness by the time you invest, you’re more likely to buy something you LOVE, according to Daysach. After all, you may come to find you want a harness that covers your bum cheeks (like the Fit Harness), one that is more minimal (like the Commando Leather), or one that is just as strappy, but a little more luxe (like the Spareparts Joque).

As Heidegger puts it, “investing in your pleasure is important.” But if you’re going to do so, you probably want to make sure you’re experiencing pleasure from what you invest in! Starting your strap-on sex journey with the Tantus Bend Over Beginner increases your odds of getting just that.